I know with it being the holiday time and all a lot of people think about those they have lost. I spend a lot of time doing this lately. I have lost a lot of important people in my life, and for some reason lately I have been thinking a lot of what life would be like if they were still here. I know it might not be a health thing to do but I cant seem to help myself. Like how my son is missing out on one of the greatest grandmothers there was in the world. If my mom was great at anything thing it was being a grandmom (and mom). Then there are all the thoughts of my cousin who was taking from us way before he ever should have been. He left us in 1994 thats already a life time ago to me. 18 yrs this year, seems like yesterday he was teasing me about some crush at school! If he was still alive, how different my life would be. There is also one of my best friends and greatest teen serving his life for the Lord that left us when he was only 16 yrs old. Taken way to early. Although he got to live a wonderful Christ centered life. I have many more that I have lost but these three are ones who hit me the hardest. I feel ripped for losing them so early in life. Not as bad as thinking of the baby girl I lost back in 2004. That was another whole issue altogether.
I know I will always miss them but it seems harder and harder this year to hold on to the thoughts of them. I mean I use to be able to hear my moms laugh in my head and now its gone. Or how J would tease me and get this face, I can't picture it anymore and that kills me. Not something I should be dwelling on but do. I can picture them, my mom and her goofball smile, J and his to cute for the world attitude, and still picture David as if we were still standing there in youth group singing. But the pictures get blurry and i don't like that.
So I guess today I spent a lot of time sitting back and wondering what if they weren't taken so soon.
Its good to wonder "what if". It doesn't hurt to dream that they are still with us. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with my mom over the years. January is a hard month for me, cause that's when I lost Mom. Of course, three days later, I was blessed with Jakes.
ReplyDeleteYou will never forget them completely in your heart. The pictures in your head are not as important as the love in yor heart for them.