Wondering....

I know with it being the holiday time and all a lot of people think about those they have lost. I spend a lot of time doing this lately. I have lost a lot of important people in my life, and for some reason lately I have been thinking a lot of what life would be like if they were still here. I know it might not be a health thing to do but I cant seem to help myself. Like how my son is missing out on one of the greatest grandmothers there was in the world. If my mom was great at anything thing it was being a grandmom (and mom). Then there are all the thoughts of my cousin who was taking from us way before he ever should have been. He left us in 1994 thats already a life time ago to me. 18 yrs this year, seems like yesterday he was teasing me about some crush at school! If he was still alive, how different my life would be. There is also one of my best friends and greatest teen serving his life for the Lord that left us when he was only 16 yrs old. Taken way to early. Although he got to live a wonderful Christ centered life. I have many more that I have lost but these three are ones who hit me the hardest. I feel ripped for losing them so early in life. Not as bad as thinking of the baby girl I lost back in 2004. That was another whole issue altogether. 


I know I will always miss them but it seems harder and harder this year to hold on to the thoughts of them. I mean I use to be able to hear my moms laugh in my head and now its gone. Or how J would tease me and get this face, I can't picture it anymore and that kills me. Not something I should be dwelling on but do. I can picture them, my mom and her goofball smile, J and his to cute for the world attitude, and still picture David as if we were still standing there in youth group singing. But the pictures get blurry and i don't like that. 


So I guess today I spent a lot of time sitting back and wondering what if they weren't taken so soon. 

New year and New bloger!!

Well I thought I would start the new year off with something I see so many around me enjoy doing, blogging. I love yo read peoples blogs all the time never really thought I would start doing it but seems like something I will greatly enjoy! 


Going to start the year off with finding things I enjoy! Things that can help me be a better person and grow. Also things that can help me have some clarity and peace in my life. I fully believe that the blogging will help me do that. 


I am not a person that usually sets New Year's Resolutions but I think I want to this year. Although instead of considering them a resolution I want them to be goals for me to work hard to this year. Not something I will forget or not care about in a few weeks. 


1st: to better myself in all ways. Going to start on this one by starting school to get my CNA license. Hope to get this done and get into the work force with it then move on to schooling for my paramedic degree license thing! 


2nd: rebuild lost relationships with family and Friends. I am not close to any of my immediate family members and hate it. Every since my mom passed away in 2004 we have completely lost contact. I hate my son doesn't have that close family bond I was soooooo lucky to have growing up. Yes I have made many mistakes since the time my mom passed but I think everyone deserves a 2nd chance specially family. 
Along with lost relationsip I need to figure mine out with my husband. We have had many ups and downs specially in the last year. We are trying to figure out where we stand and all. I am extremly lost when it comes to this. 


3rd: I want become the best mom I can. My son has a lot of issues going on, medically and others. I feel most of them are caused by me and my lack of being the best parent I can. 


I am standing by these goals. Now to build a support system to help hold me accountable!!!!